Loneliness

Forget about Hunter and his leather pants, for the moment. Forget about the cocktail party I had on Sunday night for 15 renters and owners here at Sun Rise Cove. I'll get back to those thoughts another day.

Let me tell you what happened to me recently. With any luck I can do this in five minutes. I want to get out to sit and read by the pool while the sun is shining, even though the NW wind is still blowing. Time by the sun is about 3:00 p.m. We leave this Paradise or Hell or Earth-it depends on my thoughts at any particular moment, a week from today.

Really it was a feeling, not a thought, that came over me. Loneliness. Out of the Blue. I haven't felt lonely in a long, long time. I'm not sure what prompted it. It has disappeared, but when it did appear it was, as my father might have said, "A son of a gun."

The last pages of Cheerful Money involve a son/father talk. Tad with his father, Dorie, or Day, as he called him. It was about his father's inability to communicate or his lack of communicating his feelings to his son, an old WASP trait, remoteness. I won't spoil the ending.

After reading the last few pages of the book I thought back on the remoteness of my family, the lack of outward affection, growing up feeling unloved, unwanted. I thought about those things a lot in my twenties. I thought I'd never surmount the loss of my father when I was 10, the only person I was pretty sure loved me. But, all that has been behind me for years. I rarely think about it or when I do I don't get sad. It was simply the way it was. Times change. Parents die. Life goes on.

My friends became my family. "You can choose your friends. You can't choose your family." I found that saying comforting. Often my friends chose me. That isn't always the best way to go about the friend thing.

Skip leaves tomorrow to spend Easter with his family, in this case his daughter, son-in-law, two grandchildren and perhaps his son and his wife and three kids. I'm happy to see him go off and spend some time with them. I am very happy to have some time alone. I grew up alone. I learned to enjoy my own company around my late twenties. My early twenties were not so happy.

Suddenly I realized how all alone I am. My parents are dead. My brother and his wife are dead, this last year. My sister should be dead, (Just kidding) My sister is far away, physically and emotionally. I have no children, luckily. I find my marriage to be more of a caretaking job or maid's job than anything else. Exactly what I always thought about marriage-a bad deal for a woman, at least a traditional marriage.

My husband-of-the- moment's kids, I'm told, I've offended. They are concerned about their father, but, I'm told they think I'm "deranged." I'm not counting on them for any solace. In fact I feel a little like it is Me against Them. Them being my husband and his children.

My friends are far away and have lives of their own. Today none of this sounds bad, but a couple of days ago I was hit with a strong wave of loneliness. After being surrounded by Republicans for two months It is a wonder I'm not certifiable.

Smiling, making conversation with very nice people, people who play tennis, as I do, sit by the pool, as I do, who read the papers or, at least, listen to the news, as I do, isn't so bad. Until those same "nice" people try to convince me there is no such thing as climate change or the health care "bill" is a "disaster." These people are worried about their premiums going up. They are worried they might have to pay more taxes.

What I would like to say to them is one of those pleasing to say things like. "Hello" There are people dying and going bankrupt because they lack health insurance while you sit near the pool complaining about your premiums going up.

Actually, the pleasing thing to say, for me, when confronted with a "I've got mine, How are you doing" kind of Republican who claims to be a Christian, but hopes not to see or hear about the poor, is "Drop Dead." I find that expression hits home with the elderly. They are so close to dropping dead and maybe hyperaware of their mortality or not. Somehow "Drop Dead" might feel as good as a forehand passing shot, but I wouldn't engage in that kind of talk.

A friend, who shall remain nameless, might simply tell the Republican, we won't cooperate, crowd to "Go Fuck Yourself." But I wouldn't say anything like that. I'd be accused of being crude. How crude is it to deny healthcare to 31 million Americans? Or pull up the gangplank after you are safely on the ship. The hand of compassion extended to the poor does not come from any of the Republicans I've met.

And I was doing so well about the divide between Republicans and Democrats. I had decided to call myself Independent so I could vote either way depending on the candidate and what the issues are, but let's face it. Can anyone who is a thinking, feeling human being vote Republican? I know I have lots of friends who do vote Republican. I try to look for the good in them and ignore the Republican in them.

Is there a Republican out there who cares about the poor, the Immigrants, Freedom of Choice, The Bill of Rights, The Constitution? Is there a Republican out there who doesn't live in a gated community? Do any of these Republicans know anyone who is poor or was poor? Perhaps they were once poor themselves. Have they forgotten what that is like? Have they ever lived in an inner city? How would they survive without amenities and The Wall Street Journal?

After this blog I may be feeling a little lonely, as all my Republican friends disown me, but after being among Republicans, mostly, for two months, I'm, quite frankly, sick of being around them. Sick of being nice to people who, I think, aren't very nice to whole sections of the population.

I'll carry on about loneliness later. I'm going for a swim. I'm reading Proust, Swann's Way and The New York Times, that Liberal Rag, taking a break from the Republicans.

FAN